Sep 4, 2007

Nurse turns to writing after son's death

By LJ Anderson / Daily News Columnist

Terry Ratner, RN, MFA, never expected to be teaching creative writing courses on the topic of death, but losing her 25-year-old son in a motorcycle accident nine years ago changed her life in a profound way.

Ratner has been a nurse at Banner Good Samaritan Medical Center in Phoenix, Ariz., since 1992. As a health educator in the hospital's Grace Middlebrook Family Learning Center, she provides a variety of resources for staff, patients and families. Ratner's career has expanded to include freelance writing, teaching creative writing and workshops - helping people process traumatic life events through writing.



Q: When did you start writing?

A: Although I always had a love of reading and writing short stories, I was a nurse, not a writer. I wrote a story called "The Eucalyptus Tree" about my son, Sky, after he died and submitted it to The Arizona Republic, who then published it. Soon after, I enrolled in creative writing classes - and the time I devoted to writing kept growing. On the encouragement of one of my writing teachers, I applied to Antioch University in Culver City and was accepted into their low-residency MFA program. I graduated in 2004 with an MFA in creative nonfiction. My thesis was writing about death without sentimentality - in other words, opening the lines of communication and allowing the reader to connect to their own personal experiences of loss.



Q: What was it like to find out that your son had died?

A: I was in shock. You know it's happened but you're so busy planning the funeral, notifying people, and doing everything else that follows a sudden death that the reality of it doesn't hit home for a while. I remember viewing Sky's body and how difficult that was for me. His corneas and long bones were donated, so I wasn't sure how he'd look. Walking through the mortuary's narrow corridor seemed to last forever. When I opened the door, he looked beautiful, except for a small laceration on his left temple. I ran my hand across his forehead, like I did when he was little and I kissed him goodbye on the cheek. Shortly after, I wrote an article for Raising Arizona Kids magazine in which I talked about the process of losing a child and dealing with organ donation. I believe writing saved my life.



Q: How did you process his death initially?

A: Before I could sleep, I had to go through his whole life cycle-all the memories we shared. After a week, I was able to sleep for four to five hours a night and I wondered if I'd ever get a good night's rest. Ten days later, I called the hospital, as I wanted to return to work. The nurse who answered the phone said, "You don't have to come in - there's not much going on. Just take some time off." She should have encouraged me to work a few hours, but I'm sure she didn't understand. When I did return to work, someone else came up to me and said, "I don't know how I could go on living. I would just die, too." I learned from these experiences what not to say to people. I now gravitate toward others who have experienced a loss. The key is to listen, put your arms around them and say, "I'm here for you if you need me."



Q: What other things in your life have helped you live with the pain?

A: I have a very supportive husband. I'm able to talk about it, and yes, I still cry on occasion. It's OK to cry. When I worked in pre-op and post-op, I gravitated to those children who were injured on motorcycles or who resembled Sky in some way. I wanted to care for them, and at the same time, it was really hard for me. I like to remember Sky at all the different stages of his life.



Q: How are you living differently?

A: I understand how precious life is. I'm married to Michael, my fiancÇ at the time of Sky's death. He was my rock then and continues to be a supportive husband.

The night Sky died, I was asleep with my phone turned off. The nursing supervisor from work called Michael because she was unable to reach me. She told him, "You need to go over to her house. If you don't, I'll have to send a policeman." I heard a tapping at my window at 3 a.m., and I looked at the clock. I knew it was horrible news. Michael opened the door, but he had a difficult time relating the accident. We ended up getting married later that year. I don't know how I would have survived the death of my son without his unfailing support.



Q: How do you deal day-to-day with the loss you suffered?

A: I know what's important in life. You really don't think you're ever going to lose a child. When it happens, you have this big hole in your heart no matter how many years go by. My oldest daughter recently had a baby which fills in some of the void, but no one can ever replace the loss. I always think about my son. You never forget but you must go on and live your life. I know that's what my son would want. Writing is what helped me survive his death. It allowed me to go back into my memories and explore the past and examine the present.



LJ Anderson writes on health matters every Tuesday. She can be reached at lj.anderson@yahoo.com.